I’d forgotten just how much I enjoyed being me. I am beginning to think this last episode of depression was much worse than I really realized. I feel so much better now. Yes, I am still tracking my moods and yes I am still trending up. Oh it’s not all rainbows and roses. And thankfully I am not having to deal with mania. No bipolar issues for me please. A little restlessness in the morning that I am remembering I usually get this time of year is all.
I’d forgotten that I used to be a morning person. Getting up at 5am and going for a walk with the dog. Then just being home for an hour or so before I needed to leave for work. It was time alone to do what I wanted to. The dog is definitely feeling my lack of walks, so are my knees and waistline. Very fixable issues
For a long while I felt that if I was doing something I had to be doing something important. But then I would devalue anything I tried to do as either not worthwhile or not good enough or immature. It took all the things I enjoyed doing and threw them on the trash pile. If I tried something and it didn’t come out exactly perfect then I had failed. Of course, to me, that meant I shouldn’t try again because I will never get any better at it. What good would it do?!
Now I’m remembering those internal conversations and I’m having a hard time not being mad at myself. Thankfully I’m currently very aware of the sneaky way my brain can convince me I am an awful person. But it’s hard to not regret the time lost especially as I enjoy so much of the things that “normal” me does. I like my patience and my persistence. I like that I can be Ok with who I am without it seeming like I am trying to offend with my weirdness. I don’t have to Try to be blunt or crude. I don’t have to try to have a problem with authority. I mean I am all those things normally but I am not Just those things. I am also competent, laid back, empathetic, intelligent and caring. Its OK for me to be all those things. I am a whole person and whole people are complicated.
That is yet another reason for this blog. I am writing for me. If other people enjoy it or find it helpful that’s cool but it’s not my main thrust. Having that agreement with myself frees me to tell my little stories or jabber about how I feel or even to Not talk about how I feel if I don’t want to. I am ok with not being perfect. Having this record of things to look back on is a good reminder to myself that I am not this hollowed out shell that no one would ever want to listen to.
Btw this post is not a fishing for compliments post. I’ll clearly label those *grins* I am just trying to get down my evolving thought processes and my thankfulness for being able to be where I am at now. I hope it helps others as much as it helps me.