104 Days

One Hundred and Four days. That’s how long I’ve been on Prozac. My moods have stabilized. I now feel like they are going up and down normally in reaction to my social and physical environment instead of just hanging out in the deep despair and depression that had clouded everything for months if not years. I finally feel rested after sleeping. I’ve also recovered to 99% of pre-cold health. Yay!

I no longer feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off of me, I just feel normal. It’s so nice to feel like myself again, not a better or worse version of me, just me. I like me. But it took 104 days to let the medicine work so I could reach this point. I’m going to be on this stuff for at least another three months. And that’s fine. It’s possible that when I go off of it I’ll have stabilized and be able to remain off. However I’m prepared to accept this as a part of my life if that’s not the case. The Doc and I will be on top of this.

Bringing it up: 13 tips for talking with your physician about depression

It’s great that for me it only took a couple of tries to get on the right meds. The first thing I tried was Wellbutrin which I understand works great for a Lot of people. I, on the other hand, seem to be highly allergic to something in it. Hives! Lots and lots of itchy nasty hives. I’d never had hives before. It was not pretty. We got the dosage right for Prozac on the first try. I know that doesn’t happen for everyone so I’m happy that it works really well without weird side effects or allergic reactions like the Wellbutrin.

Now that I’m feeling normal again and recovered from the cold I am beginning to deal with the after effects of having been depressed. Oy the house needed a deep cleaning. We are generally neat people so things didn’t get out of hand but I prefer a level of clean that I didn’t have the energy to accomplish. Bioclean is awesome. That shit cut through everything, didn’t leave a chemical smell or a stick residue. Now everything looks like new. I do see a day of rug shampooing in my future though. Also I’ve gained like 20 pounds from the crappy diet I was eating along with the lack of exercise.

Allie Brosh refers to something called the sneaky hate spiral where a stack of relatively minor things add up to your exploding over something small like a lack of sprinkles on your donut. I think there is a sneaky depression spiral. People say when you are depressed, eat good food and exercise to help yourself stay healthy and feel better but depression makes that extra effort almost impossible. I know I ended up in the sneaky depression spiral. Don’t feel like making a healthy meal and want comfort food so you eat that frozen pizza. The frozen pizza leaves you feeling bloated and gassy so its not comfortable to go for a walk so you don’t. Don’t go for a walk and you feel crappy because you know you shouldn’t eat like crap and you should exercise so you must just be an awful person. Well if I’m an awful person I should just give up trying so why should I try to eat healthy? Lets have brownies. And on and on.

I am glad there is medicine out there that can help people like me get out of the sneak depression spiral. I’m still hoping for a magic wand that can instantly do dishes or make a healthy meal without me having to plan a trip to the store but for now I’ll take what I can get.