There are like a hundred reasons I don’t drink. One of them is that I don’t like most beers. Drinking them gives me bitter beer face. The second is that drinking beer also leads to Beer Goggles. Ima tell you a story…
I was 21, lean, healthy, and enjoying the attentions these traits brought my way one night at the club on base. I had broken up with my long time boyfriend and wasn’t looking for anything more than a fun time playing pool and hanging out on a Saturday night.
Enter Ernesto. Ernesto, who was was 5’9” which is barely taller than me but who stood with a stoop, he had a classic nose (read that as big), nice eyes, and even though he was purportedly Puerto Rican he had frosted blonde hair that looked like it had gotten that way via a dare, very unnatural looking. And his hands? They were bashed up and seemed too big for his slight frame. Overall the effect was of a kind of goofy looking character. Not someone you’d call classically handsome at all next to the young marines flexing and strutting around the place.
He put his quarter in line to play the winner at my pool table and miracle of miracles I managed to win the game so we ended up playing against each other. Those large odd looking hands played an excellent game of pool. He beat me by a mile. I was delighted he hadn’t tried to hide his ability while he flirted. As a concession to his flirting I let him buy me a beer as we played. We ended up playing a couple of more rounds before being bumped from the table. By then I was happily buzzed.
Ernesto was charming and got more so the more beer I drank. We found a side table and kept up our conversation. By the time it was getting late there were more than a few empty bottles on the table. I’d stopped tasting the nasty things somewhere around beer 3 so I was a happy drunk. The two of us decided to get out of the club take a walk to look at the stars.
I don’t really really remember looking at the stars much because the added benefit of all that beer was the change it made in Ernesto too. My yellow haired Goofy with black eyebrows and a big nose became an unexpectedly well built latin ladies man with bronzed skin and talented lips. And those too big hands of his? Those hands were just right!