Coming out as an ex-ex-gay is a little different that coming out as gay. For a long time, your nearest and dearest have known about your struggle with “same sex attraction”. But you fought it! You Wanted to be straight. That made you the acceptable kind of gay. It made you ex-gay.
It didn’t matter that it meant denying who you really were or that there was constant tension and stress that colored every decision you made. The Mainstream society you lived in thought you wanted to be just like them, so you were loved and pitied and supported. You were forgiven.
You did everything you should do. You told your “story”. You witnessed and tried to help others who struggled be just like you. All while living in that tension, putting yourself through hell to try to conform, to be good enough to be loved.
Then you started to see the chains and shackles for what they were. But challenging those bonds meant giving up the acceptance and love of the only people who had welcomed you. People you thought loved you.
But you shed the shackles anyway.
And now you are free.
Free to question everything you’ve ever believed. Free to fail by your own choices instead of how others think you should succeed. Free to be All of who you are, not just a piece. But it still means carrying the choices of the past and answering for them as we all do. So, your joy is tempered.
But I want to say I see you. I was there and I know those wild swings of emotion that slam through your chest screaming Yes this is Who I am Deal with it! Followed by shocks of my god why did it think I should be anything but this? To What have I done by spreading this lie? How many people have I shoved away from this joy?
Its not easy to own this new you but try to not feel guilt for enjoying your freedom. You deserve it. You always have deserved it.