Empty

There’s that point when you are like I’ma eat all the things! Stand back! No Brownie is Safe Today! Today is that day. *Muppet flop* I’m not hungry. and even if I was I shouldn’t be eating that kind of crap. But I wants it. I wants it the way Golem wanted to the One Ring. I know it will make me feel like crap but I’m craving all the things bad for me today and a pan of brownies is very high on the list of wants and bad for me.

Sigh

So here I am sharing my weakness and hoping that will bolster my resolve to not give in. It’s a new thing this not giving in to brownies and today is a tough day.

I want to know am I wrong to hang tough and white knuckle it through the craving? I feel like the reward is kind of tiny for the success. But then the pay off for eating the brownies is kinda small too. And there are drawbacks like emotionally feeling like crap because I gave in to the crave. I’m no stranger to dealing with that kind of emotional crap, mostly self created.

Is the pay off of eating healthier really worth it?

A Game of Moles

We have been invaded. We are at war. 

Our roommate has decided to take a possessive interest in taking care of the lawn.  He has purchased grass seed, fertilizer and lawn care implements.  This is also our first summer in this house without our beloved Daisy dog.

Moles have moved in to our yard. The mounds of gravely dirt began appearing in the front yard and quickly spread to the back yard.

This happened once before many years ago but I made use of a quick kill buried trap for the front lawn and while we had Daisy, the mighty mole killer, no mole survived to create more than one or two small mounds in the backyard before she found them and dug them up.  The poor creatures were then proudly presented to my wife as an offering of love.

This summer though, with cancer having taken our furry protector, the invasion had no one to repel it until our roommate got involved.  Being a modern enlightened man loath to harm animals he refused the use of my kill trap and began to battle with deterrents.

Solar powered buzzing stakes now decorate our yard going off at odd intervals in a failed attempt to make our yard a less than welcoming place to our underground invaders. This did not work.

When the mounds continued to appear our roommate moved to mole repellent pellets.  At that point he didn’t want to kill them just encourage them to move on.  Since the roommate works nights this was applied (with a special spreader he bought just for this) after his shift, in the dark, with a head lamp. This also didn’t work.

The roommate then did a deep dive into research regarding the mole lifestyle and habitat.  I didn’t know this but evidently moles eat all the grubs in an area then move on.  The roommate applied Grub killer to the yard which promised to keep grubs away for 10 years.  This also did not work.

The roommate has given up on non-lethal methods at this point but was still clinging to the hope that there is an answer to these invaders in nature.  He refused the use of my quick kill trap. He has purchased special worms that are evidently poisonous to the moles. There are now little red flag indicating where he put down patches of worms in the lawn.  This also didn’t work.

The roommate has now given in to the inevitable and ordered special traps (they are supposedly the better quicker versions of my old one).  I’m interested to see if his traps work or if I will come home some day to find him in the yard with dynamite.

Angry

*sigh* I’m angry.  It’s been distracting me all day.  I should be working on work things right now but this weekend I just experienced 2 really big fails by people who should know better. 

My wife’s mother and father are moving away from the area. They will be living in a place we won’t visit for our mental health and safety. So this weekend was basically goodbye. I’m angry because even though I understand why they made this choice I still think it’s the wrong choice.  It takes them away from family that they should be trying to get closer too.  To me this is a very selfish choice.  It also seems very sudden.  They sprang this on us as a done decision.

They are adult so they get to make this choice. We don’t really get a say in it. The consequences of this choice though have hurt people and damaged relationships I thought they were interested in healing. This makes me sad and angry.

The other thing that right up pissed me off was to find out about a family member’s husband that thought he’d just try to kick my mother out of the house she owns and lives in.  What in the Actual fuck?

Okay so say dude doesn’t realize she’s the owner of the house, ok MAYBE that’s true. But to try to kick your over 70 year old aunt out of the home she lives in?  Who the fuck does that?

And okay lets even say he Might be doing this to get money try to take care of his mother-in-law that lives with him.  But let’s look at that shall we?  So MIL is living in a secure place with access to family and food and transportation but HE decides it’s OK to put his MIL’s SISTER out on the street????  That’s a special kind of stupid.

No, he didn’t succeed in doing more than pissing off a bunch of very nice people but he made my Mom cry and I think he’d better work on a becoming a real man because right now he seems to be a petty, stupid, little asshat.

Simply Music

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I just want to play my music files.

I have thousand of hours of music. A Lot of them ripped from actual CD. I just want to load them on my phone and play them. But Noooooo first the computer is cranky about talking to my phone. Then once I manage to transfer a few files to my phone the music player on my phone gets cranky about finding and playing the files. Thumps head against desk.

Look I don’t LIKE ITunes. Its grabby with permissions. It is touchy about files and forgets what I was last playing. It also has a tendency to duplicate all my music files for some unknown reason which bloats the hard drive. Also my phone is an android which means no itunes on it so I need a reliable plain jane music player that doesn’t think my audiobooks and podcasts should also be part of a playlist when I hit random.

I kinda miss my simple little sandisk mp3 player. Load that bad boy up and let it play. No telling how many times I dropped that or ran it through the wash it still played just fine. It’s also the reason I have a ton of random MP3’s without all the album art or file info that lets most music players get fancy with the file and show you album art while the music is playing.

*grumble grumble*

OK I see I need to spend some time deep in my files organizing crap so I can have what I want how I want it. This is a thing A.I. would be good for. I can see it now, one day the earth will be taken over by intelligent machines all because we just didn’t want to do the grunt work of organizing our music collections our own selves. 🙂

Too good to be true

I have an excellent relationship with my wife.  My kid is pretty fantastic and seems to be pretty trouble free. I live in a decent house, drive a reliable car and work at a job that lets me pay my bills on time.  I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs.  Taken on the surface you might think I’m a goody two shoes.  (Is there anything more 80’s than that video?)

At the very least some suspicion might creep in that all is not as awesome in my life as it seems to be.  I must not be telling you all of the story!

Well yes and no.  Yes, I am really this happy.  I really do get along with my wife this well and yes all that other stuff is true. The “but” to that is that I’ve paid a price to get here. I’m in the happily ever after part of a fairy tale story that started with a lot of tears and pain and an epic journey that included sacrifice and loss. That journey is part of my history.  I tell pieces of it now and then but its painful and some of it is very private or may show others in a bad light unfairly.

I had to learn to be confident in who I was even when almost everyone else had reason to doubt me. I’ve made hard choices that turned aside dreams I’d held on to since childhood.  I’m headed for a different future now. Living with choices like that does change you.  It’s given me perspective about where I am at right now.  That perspective lets me look around and say Yes, its OK to be happy.  It is OK to have a good relationship and be proud of it. it is OK to be feeling joy.  How many people let themselves feel that way more than momentarily?

I’m not hiding some deep dark secret I’m just OK with myself. Its a powerful thing.  It’s an empowering thing. I hope telling my stories will help you embrace your own inner self so that you can be OK with you too.

For Anjie

 

100 Day Project Day 3

No inspiration for a picture today so how about one of words.

Bare brown feet slapping the hard packed dirt raising little puffs of dust in the heat of the summer sun.   Suntanned arms pumping, helping to throw my body up the hill.  I’m flying on two feet, as free as the squawking black crow that flaps up from my path through the green waist-high weeds of this abandoned acreage.

Just something that’s been knocking around inside my head. And now its in yours.

Uncomfortable

Being made uncomfortable is never fun. But sometimes it is necessary to place myself in the way of ideas or concepts that make me uncomfortable in order to grow my spirit.

I enjoy writing my stories about things that have happened to me. I hope others find them interesting and funny too but they do not make me particularly uncomfortable to write. There is no real ‘stretch and grow’ emotionally for me when I write them. Sure they do provide me with the technical practice of writing a piece start to finish but my inner self isn’t challenged or made to really dig in to the subject to get it down in writing. Of course that may be a clue that I need to go deeper when doing that kind of writing.

I am even fairly comfortable talking about being gay. Not so much the parts of coming out that sucked ass but in general it’s not life altering to dig up those memories now. In fact it’s useful to remind myself sometimes that, hells yes it was hard, and it did suck, and it’s so much better now than it was. That is its own kind of growth.

I’ve mostly steered away from current events and politics in these pieces because there are usually better written articles out there that say what I feel. The piece about what it means to be a responsible gun owner though wouldn’t leave me alone until it was out. It made me uncomfortable to write. But it was more uncomfortable to leave it inside. I don’t usually talk about owning guns or enjoying shooting them with people unless I’m face to face. My opinion has always been more nuanced than “Ban all Guns!” or “ No rules to infringe on my 2nd amendment rights!” It’s been hard to find that nuanced conversation lately.

Am I now going to be all serious all the time? Politics and Homosexual Agendas abounding?

Nah! Just be aware that I might need to update the FAQ to include my penchant to seek out some uncomfortable subjects just for the growth it may provide me to think and write about them.

As always your time and energy in reading is appreciated.

If this blog is not to your liking thank you for your time. I hope you come back to try again later.